A cat fight on the home front

Like cats, people can be so blind with vengeance that they cannot see their self-interest.

By Keith Burris / The Blade
Sun, 19 Jan 2020 05:00:00 GMT

SINCE CHRISTMAS I have been living in cat hell.

I am now the guardian of two cats who are neurotic, entitled, and bent on mutually assured destruction.

Here’s how it happened: On Dec. 7, my wife’s mother died. Her name was Marylou. The family pulled together in every possible way. Our kids were heroes. There were, as is always the case in such matters, many practical needs to be dealt with and, sometimes, blessedly, distract us. One of them was what to do with her cat.

I drove home with Marylou’s cat.

Now a cat merger had to take place. My mother-in-law’s cat was coming to live with our cat, rescued by us about two years ago when we’d lost one of our two venerable feline family members.

This is not a merger made in heaven. It was more like Motorola and Google. Or Ford and Volvo. Both cats are female. Both are used to being the only cat in the house. Both crave human attention and wish to be on laps or at feet — but alone in this position. Can you see where this is going?

Our cat is, or was, totally chill.

Marylou’s cat is a psycho.

I never knew what a cat fight sounded like. But it is unpleasant and unnerving. And it is now the soundtrack of the house.

On a vet’s advice, we have separated them. But cats don’t like closed doors. They like to be the deciders. And what both cats do when excluded is scratch at the door and cry.

Let them back out, and they chase and fight.

Lock them back up, and they hiss and growl through the door they are destroying.

Both have also taken out their wrath on chairs, beds, and rugs.

The chill cat, formerly happy and easygoing, is now jumpy. And I don’t blame her. She never knows when she will be attacked from behind.

She begins her nightly laments at 1, 2, or 3 a.m. Unlike me, she sleeps by day.

She has also taken to climbing on the fireplace mantle and knocking pictures off bookcases.

The crazy cat begs for attention and then runs. She begs for food and then is repelled by it. She breaks out of rooms with doors closed and blocked by other objects — a regular Houdini — but apparently for the sole purpose of more attacks.

When evening falls, at last, the formerly normal, now twitchy cat eyes me nervously: Has he crossed over to the dark side?

Every time I find a newly damaged or broken object, I yell at one or both of them. I yell something like: What is wrong with you?

This in itself is deeply crazy because cats have no shame, no remorse, and no interest in learning your rules.

You can shame a dog. You cannot shame a cat.

Now I like cats. Most of my life I thought of myself as a dog person. But over the last 35 years, our family has had many cats. We had two exceptional ones for most of the last 20. And my mother, who was an animal whisperer (like our youngest son), had many cats and many at once.

So I could never have imagined calling one of my kids and saying: I am leaving a bag of food in the middle of the kitchen and checking into a hotel. Let them settle this themselves.

I didn’t do that, of course. But I relished the fantasy.

The odd thing is that it’s gotten worse. Not better. Psycho cat hid for the first two weeks of residence. Lots of commotion in a new house and lots of family in and out. But when she came out, it was like Cat Rambo meets Dexter.

But neither will chill cat back off at this point. She has been radicalized, and she is fighting for her turf.

Neither cat will back away. Not an inch. It’s a grudge match.

I cannot help but analogize. What do you do when two parties are dug in like this?: A broken marriage. A business partner who has betrayed a trust. Trump lovers and Trump haters. The President and the speaker of the House.

Cat fights are unpleasant and unnerving.

What is the solution when a situation has grown toxic and there is no negotiation, no compromise to be had — even for the sake of self-preservation?

Well, with cats, they will either kill each other or eventually adapt. Or one gets adopted out.

With people, someone has to shake the dust from his sandals and walk away.

Or age out.

Meanwhile, as the saying goes, if you cannot change the people (how they relate and what is in their hearts), you have to change the people (the players on the field).

My father was an incredibly just person. He once had two employees in a grudge match. He told them they had to work together and learn to deal with each other. Otherwise he would fire them both. But they could not or would not believe it. Both were stubborn and each felt dad liked him best. The other guy would be the one to go.

In the end, both went. Sometimes you need a fresh page.

Like cats, people cannot be herded. Like cats, they can be blind with vengeance — so blind they cannot see their self-interest.

Presidents Carter, Reagan, Clinton, and Obama were clean-sweep presidents — let’s try something new. But the election of Donald Trump was more than this. The people rejected the bipartisan establishment and all its ways, including expertise and certain norms of decency. They’d had enough of cat fights. They wanted not just a new page but a new book — a house without creatures at war.

And now the war is worse. Stubbornness and folly rule.

And my next pet is a goldfish.

Keith C. Burris is Editor and Vice President of The Blade and editorial director of Block Newspapers (kburris@theblade.com).

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